Pivotal moments…

I have reflected on the moments in my life where I could have made different choices that would have changed my trajectory and made me land in a totally different place or places..

My childhood was difficult at times and I had moments where I made bad choices and wish that I could change those cringe-worthy moments but I learned from them so I would not change those- I would allow those to stay for educational purposes. They taught me how to cope. They taught me to self soothe, and how to handle things that are thrown into my path and how to have humility. I had to learn very early to accept responsibility for my actions. To apologize for those actions and how to move on and make good on the words that were spoken; bringing them to fruition.

My adolescent years were very difficult for me and I would like to rectify some of the behaviors that I exhibited during those terrible years. I do not think that I would be the only one that would want to do that either! These were tedious years! Years where the body is changing and that combined with being around others whose bodies are doing the same can be an explosive atmosphere…

During these years I had a crisis within my family- Just before my sixteenth birthday my father decided to leave my mother. I was not surprised by his decision to leave. I was not even shaken; a calm took over me. There would be no more uncomfortableness at dinners because of the underlying rage between the two of them that I could feel. I could hear the arguments and I had prayed for it to end. I felt a huge piece of guilt afterwards because they divorced. That I had prayed for it to happen- Not the divorce just that it would end; all the pain that they were causing. It was so hard to live in the same house with them. It was so hard to avoid them and they were always so angry. That guilt slowly went away because I know that I had nothing to do with my parents relationship- my asking God for guidance was what I was taught to do; ask for help when needed.

My father leaving was a pivotal moment in his life. That moment was what he needed. He needed to leave. He knew it was not a good environment for any of us and that had to have been a very hard decision for him. As I reflect on those years when I resented him for leaving and not taking me with him I know what he did; he did with his faith in God. I believe that he made a choice based in faith and much reflection. His choice to leave even based in faith caused a divide and a big separation and did a lot of damage. Damage that cannot be healed or fixed. I understand that was not his intent and he would have never wanted that to happen, but it is what happened-

My father leaving my mother was a pivotal moment in her life. One that she was not prepared for… she was shaken to her core. Taken by surprise and unable to cope with life and its challenges because of her loss. She was strong and she was mad- she was careful to make sure that we were in counseling or seeing the preacher at church. She followed all the advice of others that had preceded her in divorce but she never made it her own- She went through the motions of divorce in the 90’s – she was just so heartbroken it was hard to witness.

As things progressed with this on-going crisis of pending divorce between my parents there came a time when we were moved, taken away from everything that we knew, loved and were familiar with-and taken to my mothers hometown because she felt she needed her parents support. We were introduced to a new school and new classmates. Shown a new home and given new spaces to share. This was too much for me… I acted out. I did not like what was happening and I did not agree with how things were being handled. I was not a babysitter… I felt used and misunderstood. My mom did not have time for me she was too busy being hurt by the divorce- or making sure that I talked to a counselor- she never talked to me other than to say it has nothing to do with you…

It did have something to do with me though… There was so much back and forth! What did your Daddy say? Where did you go? Why did you do that? So many questions… It was unbearable and I just could not answer and I did not want to answer. So the divorce had a lot to do with me. I missed out on a lot because when I needed my parents at a pivotal age I did not get them because they were unavailable- luckily my Grandmother Morris was there and ready with open arms. What a great listener she was…she knew what I was missing and she prayed so hard for me and told me this would make me stronger. It most certainly did…

There was a night in the new house not that long into living there that I decided that I was leaving and going to live with Dad. This was not a good night in that house… Wilson, my brother, decided to come with me so we both packed our bags and waited for my friend from Whiteville to pick us up. He came and drove us back to the home I grew up in since I was 6 years old- out on Dogwood Lane and my Dad greeted us at the door with a hug. It was late so we went straight to bed. No words other than I love you were spoken that night…

This pivotal moment changed me. It changed my family. It divided us into two parts. It has caused pain and hurt feelings that have spanned decades. It has kept us from being able to heal from this break in our family and has continued to keep us separated. My decision allowed us a greater divide- but I would make that decision again. I would make it over and over again. I would go back and relive those days- because those were the best days. They were the ones I remember and smile- ball games, homecomings, haunted houses, hay rides, and lots of love. Daddy never missed a game- he loved and he was stern but he was my parent and I would choose him every time.

Moments in time carry us to where we need to be. This moment in my life haunted me for a very long time. I was afraid to tell my truth because it would hurt someone’s feelings… this period of time shaped me and made me who I am and I stand firm in my truth. There are many sides to a broken home and I just wanted my side to finally be heard…

Be Blessed. I love you all XOXO