Living Broken…

I am living broken. A piece of me is broken and I am not sure how to fix it. I do not understand the pain. I cannot put into words the hurt, emptiness, fear, loss of myself, and completely terrified of tomorrow feeling. My phone remains on silent. I cannot bear to hear it ring. However, I am obsessed with checking it in case something happens. I am terrified in every moment of my life right now; I am holding on by prayer.

I am using my gifts and giving to others and working in service to to the Lord but it is a struggle. When needed I walk outside and let the gentle wind remind me that my Daddy would be disappointed if I let my emotions stop me from living. I listen to his words echo in my mind and remember that I have to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. I am trying…. I will continue!

Until that time I will walk with my God and I will do what I am supposed to do and I will try to help others. I am one of many who are walking around BROKEN… some have lost many family members. Our land is hurting we are grieving the loss of so many loved ones. Bless us all.

Daddy’s death has been hard.. it was quick and unexpected so that plays a big part in my grief- I keep remembering that in this last year so many people are walking around fractured. All from loss- We have lost so many family members. We have not been able to grieve our family members. We have not been able to give our family members the send off that they deserve. This is the hardest part…

We wanted to give my Daddy the celebration that he deserved when he died. What every family wants when a member passes. We will have celebrations throughout the year for Daddy that we will plan… it was just not traditional and he deserved traditional. He did not get that.. Covid-19 restrictions did not allow that to happen. I am resentful for that- I feel that he was not given what he deserved.

This experience is what helps families to heal. You are able to hear stories about your loved one, you are hugged, loved and encouraged. I missed all of that- So did so many Americans. We were robbed of our grieving process – We were denied the very first step. The most important step the one where people come in and give your their strength so that you can keep yourself from breaking.

I lean on God for my strength.. I know that I will recover and I am beginning to heal. I know that I am not the only one that is hurting, this reminds me to pray for others in their grief and I find comfort in the words of my family and friends who reach out and guide me. Thank you all for your strength that you have loaned me, thank you for your words of encouragement and most importantly your time. I am forever grateful. Remembering especially today:

The grieving process is not linear…

Be Blessed… I love you all. XOXO